“The cosmos have spoken, and their whispers are laced with dread. Whether you’re seeking answers or just morbid curiosity, gaze upon your fate—but beware, knowing too much has its consequences…”
January 2025 Horror-scopes
Brought to you by Letters to Satan
♈ Aries (March 21–April 19)
The stars want to let you know it’s okay to be impulsive… but only if you’re impulsively self-destructive. This month, every time you feel a spark of hope, stomp it out with a steel-toed boot. You’ll swear you’re making progress, but remember: your unfinished business is the anchor keeping you from floating away like a drunk balloon. Stop trying to fix it—you’re the mess.
♉ Taurus (April 20–May 20)
You crave comfort, Taurus, but this month it’s your turn to sleep in the cold bed of reality. Your toxic loyalty has you chained to people who wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire. Watch your back, or better yet, watch your front—the knife always comes from the last person you expect, and this month, it’s you.
♊ Gemini (May 21–June 20)
Your dual nature’s been doing overtime, huh? This month, you’ll meet someone who sees the real you and won’t even flinch. Too bad they’ll also be your downfall. Expect betrayal from the mirror. You’ve always been good at spinning lies, but January’s the month where they cocoon around you and hatch into something that bites.
♋ Cancer (June 21–July 22)
The moon’s out for blood, Cancer. You’re built for nurturing, but this month you’re like a hospice nurse in a plague ward: well-meaning but surrounded by rot. Every time you try to help, you’ll make things worse. Embrace the chaos, or better yet, just go quiet and let people wonder if you died in your sleep.
♌ Leo (July 23–August 22)
You love the spotlight, Leo, but January is when that light turns into an interrogation lamp. Everyone’s going to see the cracks in your golden mask, and they won’t be kind about it. The louder you roar, the more you’ll prove them right. Maybe try silence for once. Or don’t—your pride will kill you either way.
♍ Virgo (August 23–September 22)
You’ve been holding it together with duct tape and denial, Virgo, but this is the month the wheels fall off. All your carefully constructed routines will collapse like a house of cards built in a wind tunnel. You’re not in control, and you never were. Accept the chaos, or prepare to die clutching your planner.
♎ Libra (September 23–October 22)
Balance is a joke, Libra, and January is the month you finally get the punchline. You’ve been weighing your options so long you didn’t notice the scales are rigged. Tip the scales, but don’t expect fairness—the universe doesn’t know the meaning of the word. Justice? Sure. Just not for you.
♏ Scorpio (October 23–November 21)
Scorpio, you thrive in the shadows, but January drags you kicking and screaming into the light. Your secrets have teeth, and they’re hungry. The ones you thought were allies are the ones setting the traps. Don’t try to escape; lean in. Become the villain you’ve always wanted to be. They deserve it, and so do you.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22–December 21)
Freedom isn’t free, Sag—it costs you everything this month. Your desire to break free will shatter what little foundation you have left, leaving you drifting like a plank in shark-infested waters. But hey, at least you’ll have your precious “independence,” right? Enjoy the loneliness. You earned it.
♑ Capricorn (December 22–January 19)
You’re the mountain goat, but this month you’re climbing a peak made of quicksand. You thought your ambition would save you, but January laughs in your face and gives you nothing but dead ends and broken promises. Keep climbing; the fall will be spectacular.
♒ Aquarius (January 20–February 18)
You’ve always been the odd one out, Aquarius, but this month, even the freaks won’t have you. Your ideas are a little too out there, even for the weirdos. Isolation hits hard when you realize you’re not misunderstood—you’re just exhausting. Enjoy your exile. It’s the one thing you’re good at.
♓ Pisces (February 19–March 20)
Ah, Pisces. You’ve been swimming against the current for so long, you forgot it leads to a waterfall. January is where you hit the rocks. You’ll call it fate, but deep down, you know it was your bad decisions that led here. The stars suggest drowning your sorrows—literally or figuratively, your choice.
The stars don’t lie, but they sure as hell don’t care. Tune in next month to see what fresh horrors await.